What I am
by Chiq
Summary: A headcanon on Lauren's story post season three finale.


**Disclaimer**:I do not own Lost Girl or any of the show's characters.

**Summary:** A headcanon on Lauren's story post-finale. A song-inspired fic. (Bon Iver: Wolves Act I & II)

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_You can run, but you can never hide. _

And when the past finally taps Lauren on the shoulder, she's staring at the dimming heavens, surrounded by sand and dirt. She realizes that it's been a while since she's caught a glimpse of a disappearing sun, let alone bask in dusk in the open air, under an orange sky.

She's someone who finds multiple scientific terms to describe a phenomenon, but at this moment, she is content with just one: beautiful. Just like Bo, Nadia, and all the others who touched her in her pain-ridden life. She's hit by the thought that she should have done this more often, but dismisses it as a moment of temporary regret - fleeting and useless. She isn't so far gone to know that if it were any other day, she'd be cooped up in her laboratory still, chasing after a subject that is magnificent in its own form.

But today is no ordinary day, and for now, she is happy to stay here and rest. She shuts her eyes for a few seconds, reflecting on the day's events. The surgery has gone exactly as she had planned, she's sent Bo off to save the fae – again, and she hopes that justice has been meted out for Isaac Taft. She's been angry with quite a number of people – and fae – in her life, but there's nobody she hates as much as Taft.

When she first knew of him, he was someone she idolized and respected. The night he handed the award to her, he served as a reminder of everything that she could have been – and all that she would have achieved – in the human world. The moment she took off with him, he was her ticket back to where she belonged, and a world free of the fae-related mess.

And when she learnt that she had been manipulated to use her knowledge and skills to harm her friends and Bo, he was more than a liar. He had completely dashed her hopes of escaping and crushed her dreams that she could someday be her own person.

The most unforgivable sin was that under his lies, she had become the very figure that she stood against, represented all the reasons she joined the protests, and what she swore she would never do. No, she could never forgive Taft for bringing her to the point of no return.

But she's also aware that she's mostly to blame for what's happened. She's never one to indulge in 'what if' scenarios outside of experiments either, but for once, she imagines that she wasn't quite so enthusiastic in the demonstrations just so she could capture her parents' attention, and never caused that incident. Then she wouldn't have ended up on the Interpol's wanted list, and never had to escape to Afghanistan, to run to the Congo and all the other places and ending up here – lying on dirt, years' worth of her work destroyed.

However, she would also never have met vivacious Nadia and Bo, full of ideals and passion for all that is right. It's funny how both women were a reprieve in her lonely life, only in different worlds at different times. She's comforted by the fact that she was loved, and she knows that Bo's commitment to her – a succubus to a mere human – would be one for the books. She laughs at herself for being an overachiever in everything, until she remembers what Bo wouldn't do for her – including ending Nadia's life.

Sobering, she chides herself for being so flippant about Nadia's demise. She's responsible for what happened to her, just like she's guilty for the 'mishap' at her last demonstration. Whoever came up with the quote that one could never hide was right – she has to pay for her crimes, and for the myriad of bad decisions that she's made in the past few months.

While she can't make it up to Nadia, she did reverse the damage that she contributed to the fae, to her ex-lover, and to her friends. Now, she feels exhausted and only wants a moment of peace, something she's never had since she knew better.

She coughs and reaches for her necklace - not that it was ever tight – just something that she does out of habit. After a few seconds of panic when she fails to locate it, she remembers that it's at the compound.

It then strikes her that she's neither Lauren nor Karen. She's not someone who doesn't have her parents' love, but the attention of the Interpol instead. She's also no longer a slave for the fae, or 'chattel' that belongs to the Ash, whoever it was. She'll never again be a pawn in someone's game to get to Bo for good or bad causes. She doesn't have to trade one prison for another, and most importantly, she's no longer lost.

She sees a kite breezing through the sky – one that looks exactly like the one her parents bought and taught her to fly. She closes her eyes, uses her imagination one more time to climb on that kite, chokes out her last breath – and smiles.

She is free.


End file.
